My Lover's Gone
by Melcena
Summary: And I could only watch as he walked away. 1+5/5+1. AU. Death.


Title: My Lover's Gone  
Author: Melcena  
Contact: melcena@hotmail.com  
Archive: Ask  
Pairings: 1+5 / 5+1  
Warnings: Angst. Death. AU. Short.  
Disclaimer: The song "My Lover's Gone" belongs to Dido, not me. GW   
and etc, also do not belong to me. I'm just borrowing.  
Comments: ...  
  
//...// = lyrics  
/.../ = italics  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
//My lover's gone  
His boots no longer by my door//  
  
It still hurts me, sometimes, to see all the empty spaces he left   
behind. The places where his clothing used to fold neatly beside   
mine, the peg for his coat, the spot on the kitchen floor where the   
last imprints of his muddy shoes have long since been scrubbed away.  
Sometimes, when I go to bed alone or sit down to dinner for one I   
ache for him so badly that I feel like my heart is breaking all over   
again... I would give anything just to be able to speak to him, one   
last time.  
All I have now is an endless, irrevocable silence. While there   
were never many words between us there is a vast difference between   
silence and /silence/. One is and was the simple lack of verbal   
communication. The other is huge and unchangeable.  
It's terrible to know that I will never hear his voice again.  
  
//He left at dawn  
And as I slept I felt him go//  
  
We'd argued about his leaving, of course. Though I knew the entire   
time that I wouldn't be able to dissuade him I had to try anyway. But   
Heero Yuy never turned down a mission. Never, even when death was   
more likely than life.  
I almost hated him for that.  
Worst, to me, was that he would be leaving me to go to sea. And he   
knew that. After all, it was he who had found me washed ashore so   
many years ago, he who had held me when I woke shaking from   
nightmares, he who best knew my fear of the water.  
Still, it didn't stop him.  
We fought until the night before he left. We reconciled then,   
knowing that neither of us would be able to forgive ourselves if we   
didn't. I couldn't let him leave without the knowledge of my love.  
That night we were so very careful with each other, as if we were   
afraid we might break one another. I remember feeling like I was   
touching him for the first time as we made quiet, desperate love in   
our too-small bed. (There had never been enough room for both of us.   
Now that I have it to myself it seems far too large.)  
When he left the next morning I was still asleep. But that one   
part of me that was always aware of Heero felt his warmth slipping   
away from me, felt his lips ghosting gently gently over my brow.  
I didn't bring myself to wake because I couldn't bear to see him   
go.  
  
//Returns no more  
I will not watch the ocean//  
  
At first I refused to even look at the sea, refused to watch for   
the slender chance of his return. I didn't want to let myself hope   
for an impossibility. Eventually I found I couldn't make myself stay   
away.  
For two years I kept sentinel on those bluffs above the sea,   
looking for some small sign that he was coming back to me. My heart   
would jump at every ship-speck, slamming painfully in my chest - only   
to sink again when I realized that it did not bring him back.  
It took me that long to admit what I had known all along.  
  
//My lover's gone  
No earthly ships will ever  
Bring him home again  
Bring him home again//  
  
It hurt. I didn't want to believe that I would never see him,   
never touch him, never hold him again. I accepted it intellecutally   
but I somehow felt that if I just didn't believe it in my heart it   
would not be true.  
I spent days and days sinking into memory, reliving everything   
I'd ever done with him. In my head I catalouged every kiss, every   
look, every caress he'd ever given me. I didn't sleep and barely ate.   
I probably would have driven myself to death if it hadn't been for   
that last memory of the way his lips had touched my face.  
/Live/, that small brush of his mouth seemed to command. And   
clinging to that, I slowly slowly pulled myself back to the present  
  
//My lover's gone  
I know that kiss will be my last//  
  
He used to sing to me. I know that anyone who knew him would think   
me a liar if I told them, but it's true. When I shivered awake from   
nightmares, drenched in sweat and fear, he was always awake a moment   
later. Then he would hold me and sing me back to sleep. His low,   
rough voice was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard.  
He never sang anything fancy or complicated. Just simple little   
lullabies remembered from childhood. And though they were songs   
almost every child learned, I always thought of them as /his/ songs.   
They seemed perfect to me.  
I think that that is one of the things I miss the most - the sound   
of his voice in the night crooning those gentle nonsensical words to   
me, and me only.  
I don't know if anyone else ever heard him sing.  
  
//No more his song  
The tune upon his lips has passed//  
  
I remember all those little songs. When I come to look at the sea   
I sing them to myself.  
I don't go often. I'm not looking for him anymore - I   
know he's not coming back. But there are times when I need to mourn.  
When I go I always bring a basket of his favorite flowers, small   
and white and many-petaled. I don't know what they're called, and I   
don't think he did either, but he loved them anyway.  
Occasionally I pretend that the wind carries my voice to him where   
he sleeps. It's a silly delusion but I cherish it all the same. I   
like to think he knows I still love him.  
  
//I sing alone  
While I watch the ocean//  
  
I let the flowers fall, one by one, down to the sea. Some of them   
make it intact and float away like little boats. Others scatter in   
the wind and settle like silken snow over the waves. Sometimes they   
just fall apart in my hands and the petals touch my face like kisses.  
I am content. I live quietly with my memories and I find joy in   
small things - things that I know he would have enjoyed. Simplicty   
and sunlight in the morning. The call of seabirds. Even the smell of   
the ocean.  
When I feel the lack of him pressing in on me too heavily, I think   
of the myriads of mothers who are singing his songs to their children   
with love and it comforts me. But when I get too lonely for him I   
return to the cliffs and watch white petals drift away on the   
jealous, restless sea and remind myself that she will never give him   
back to me.  
  
//My lover's gone  
No earthly ships will ever  
Bring him home again  
Bring him home again//  
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~Fin 


End file.
